On Molestation

Recently Lee and I went out to eat with his mother, and during the course of dinner conversation she brought up something I was not aware of...apparently, a relative of theirs has been contacting them to tell them that her dad's brother (lee's great uncle, who died within the last year or so) molested her as a child. This is a shocking revelation/claim to his family and her reaction to it as she told us really surprised me---she was furious at this woman. She growled that if she ever saw her once her own father had passed that she would beat the shit out of her.

This blew me away. This is not the kind of reaction I would expect to hear on this subject from this woman I admire. Honestly though, I almost can't fault her for it. As a survivor myself, I've seen firsthand how quickly denial can take hold. They're angry because they feel like she's throwing this accusation in the face of his grieving brother and family, a family that remembers this man as a loving and "Godly" soul who, of course, would NEVER do such a thing. "If that were true, why now?" "She's just a bitch" etc etc

It's such a horrible and tricky subject. These things are always just pure sorrow. I don't know this woman, and I did not know this man very well. I can't make any judgments either way. It's possible that perhaps in the past he did something that made her uncomfortable and deeply affected her, when it was innocent/unintentional on his part. It's also possible there's a side to this man his family didn't know. I really do not think she would bother writing a letter about all this and reaching out to her family if she didn't have some incident that affected her. Deep down, I think the family knows this, but who wants to accept that, especially when they're still grieving??

In some ways, I have to question her timing. I understand that she might finally feel she is able to say it, or that this is part of her own healing process, but this is bringing nothing but more pain to her. From the sound of it, she's pretty much losing this whole family because of it. Is there ever a right time to do it though? Maybe she spoke up in the past and no one listened and she's trying again?

How many times have I heard this story? This is not the first time. I vividly recall a conversation where someone almost casually mentioned "yeah she accused my uncle of molesting her but she's a lying bitch so we all pretty much hate her." Still puts lead in my stomach when I think about it. Clearly, I don't know that situation either, but why is that something one can say so casually?

I don't know. It's heartbreaking.

Thoughts?

Holy fucking balls.

Sooo I've had an animal hoarder show running on netflix while I doodle the past couple of days, and this episode just dropped a fucking bomb. A therapist is meeting with a hoarder and her family and trying to uncover some possible reasons for her behavior and this woman's mother pipes up and says "A man molested her when she was a child and nothing ever happened to him... because we forced her into saying it didn't happen. Something I've lived with for years."

Christ.

I've never been through anything like that (the accusations nor the abuse), so I can't relate directly..    However, I think you're probably right about the "she feels she can say it now" theory.
Look at all of the awful things that came out after the death of Jimmy Savile, in a similar way.

As for your second post, I'm always filled with horror and disbelief that families would behave that way.. as though the stigma of it happening to your child makes the child dirty, and makes the entire family dirty by extension (which is blatantly wrong).

I Was Friends With a Rapist

interesting read from someone who found out an unpleasant truth about a friend.

Yuck. Yeah, there's nothing but sadness in something like this.

It's so natural to want to band together around our friends and family members, is the thing, and usually that's something we want to encourage - it builds stronger community, ensures that we'll be supported in bad times, etc etc. But molesters and rapists abuse that very trust and familial loyalty, they pervert it into their camouflage (when not unmasked) or their get-out-of-jail-free (if they are unmasked).

I do think she was very strong for standing up to that, even though she was devastated about losing his friendship. So many other people would have rationalised it away.

Self-rationalisation and lack of ability to self-reflect in an honest way is such an innate part of people's thought patterns but can be so damaging when it comes to stuff like this. It sounds like the people getting angry at the alleged victims are clinging to their own strain of Just World fallacy, and of course in many cases the abusers themselves will doubtless be covering up any shame in their minds about their own acts with stuff probably like "I'm not as bad as some other people", "they know I care about them", "I haven't actually hurt anyone", etc.

I can understand Lee's mum's attitude here, but of course can't condone her response - it sounds like it's a horrible fear of finding out a truth one doesn't want to face for one's own sake, and while of course one wouldn't want to think about it, it certainly isn't acceptable to maintain such a level of hostility to someone who might have suffered in that way (and be suffering the psychological consequences however many years later). Of course it's not a good time, but it is hard to imagine a good time existing. :-/ However unlikely the relatives think it might be, not to confront the possibility that it might be true for a minute doesn't seem fair. Abusers don't come with big warning signs, and even when they practically do (*cough*Savile*cough*) they are often manipulative enough, or supported enough by existing power structures, to work their way around it.